What a Difference a Year Makes

It's Tuesday May 21 and we are 37 weeks along.  Monika Marie is as long as a stalk of Swiss Chard- over 19 inches and weighing about 6.5 lbs.  We are now on our weekly OB appts each Friday.  Last week Monika's head was down, and I was 50% effaced. So things are moving along. 

However, last night I was thinking, why does this week feel weird to me?  What is with the dates, why do they feel significant, have I missed someones birthday?  Then I figured it out.

This Friday May 24 is exactly one year after finding out about our 3rd failed IVF. Todd was in Israel so we listened to the message on our house phone together through facetime on our phones.  It was awful.  It was 11pm my time on a Thursday night and 6am his time the next day.  We were so overwhelmed, so disappointed, so sad.  We just sobbed on the phone with each other, wanting so badly to give each other huge hugs, but couldn't. I've never wanted to give Todd a hug so badly in all of my life.

So Monika Trogdon came over for me at 12:30am to be with me, to cry with me, to hold me when I couldn't hardly breath or think of what in the world I would do next.  Todd had his dear friend Griff to cry with him in Israel and be the empathic, loving, compassionate friend that he is, Thank the Lord for him. 

I was just reading in my journal about what I wrote after the BFN (big freaking negative) results.  Here it is:

"Despair, disappointment, shock, fear, deep sadness.  There aren't words to describe, but I'll try.  
In the Spring a bird started making/building a nest in the wreath on our front door.  She (the momma bird) was very busy preparing the nest, she laid her eggs and sat on them for days, then one day she was gone and so were the eggs-where did they go? Did they die? Did some animal eat them?
I feel like that, ready, nest, all prepared, eggs were there for days, then NOTHING.  Who knows what happened, what went wrong? All we know is there is a nest and it's really nice & warm, and that there were eggs (embryos) and then bam- nothing. I'm at a loss.  I'm sad, frustrated, and feeling very overwhelmed and tired.  I want my babies in my uterus and to stay there and grow until it's time to be born."

Well here we are one year later and I am full term with our beautiful baby girl, Monika Marie.

What a difference a Year Makes.

If you were to tell me this last year, I would have never, ever believed you.  Hope is the function of struggle says Brene Brown.  And I couldn't agree more.  I had hope then (it was mostly carried hope from friends) and I have hope now.  To my IF friends, keep hoping even when it hurts and doesn't make sense.  Death will never have the last word.  Love does.  Love always wins.

Here is a song that my beloved friend Megan Pardue wrote for us out of her shared pain after our failed IVFs.  It is one of the kindest and most compassionate things anyone has ever done for me.  Megan is so gifted in being able to feel and articulate exactly how it feels to struggle with infertility.  Megan you are my shero.  Thank you. I love you. 

This song has been so healing for me to listen to it, over and over again.  It's called Sing Hannah Sing.  I think this gift will keep helping and healing women for years to come.  I hope it will help you too.