Monika's last ultrasound picture

This is Monika Marie at 37.5 weeks (last Friday May 24, 2013 OB appt) and her last ultrasound to check her positioning.  Her head is down, which is great.  This picture is her facial profile- far right is her forehead, then nose, then lips, then chin.  What looks like bubbles is the umbilical cord. The last time we saw her was on January 11, and she was 18.5 weeks along so it had been almost 20 weeks since we've seen her and MAN is she big now.  The ultrasound screen used to show her whole body, now, you can just she her face.  Crazy.  The tech said she's about 7.5 lbs.  Everything is measuring normal for her, all her organs, and all of my fluids, placenta, etc.  We are thankful.  I love seeing her on the screen, I could literally watch it for hours.

This from Tuesday May 28, 2013--we are 38 weeks.  Monika Marie is the length of a Leek at 19.5 inches and about 7lbs.  We had another OB check up today Friday May 31 and I'm exactly where I was measuring last week, no change.  Monika likes it in there and is making no changes of entering the world any day soon.  I'm totally fine with that.  I never thought I'd be early. 

All dressed up for a night on the town

Our view of Downtown Kansas City, MO from the couch in front of our bay window

Babymoon (vacation before the baby comes, like a honeymoon)
Todd and I went on a mini-babymoon last night til tonight.  Thank you Miranda & Josh for helping us get a nice room at the Marriott.  We stayed downtown KCMO at the Marriott, it was awesome.  We had a great view of downtown from our 16th floor room.  Last night we moved the couch in front of the large bay window to watch a storm come in and we could see lighting everywhere, it was remarkable.  We had a long talk about life and marriage, and what our marriage has been these last 10 years, and our hopes for the next 10 years.  That was after a night on the town, steak dinner, walking around DT, getting my favorite milkshake, and then swimming in the hotel in-door pool on the top floor.  I have never swam pregnant, it was really interesting how it feels.  Today we walked dowtown more, ate, saw sights, then went to our 38.5 OB appt.  Then got our favorite KCMO pizza -d'Bronx, it's the closest thing to Durham's Pops Backdoor Pizza.  Now we are journaling---I'm writing this blog and Todd is writing in Monika's journal.  Just chilling on our back porch--it's a perfect night for it.  We are really trying to spend all the QT we can together before our lives majorly change.   

Above is a super sweet onesie from Dana, Sally, Angela, & Jeff when they last went to a Durham Bulls baseball game.  I love it, and Monika will wear it and barely anyone around here will know what it is, but it makes us happy to have treasures like this from home.  Thank you guys for this.   

About a month ago, we also got a Sunshine Package from all our friends at Refuge Church.  I totally forgot to take a picture of it.  So sad.  It was filled with only happy, sunshine, yellow, music, art made by the kids, and local Durham things like Burts Bees.  It was such a pick me up with us having a few crappy weeks here in KCMO. How did you know?
HUGE THANK YOU---- Pardues, Trogdons, Whitakers, McDowells, Nelsons, Hendricksons, Furrys, Phillips, Morris, and Iglesias! We miss you all sooooooooo much! We love you!

What a Difference a Year Makes

It's Tuesday May 21 and we are 37 weeks along.  Monika Marie is as long as a stalk of Swiss Chard- over 19 inches and weighing about 6.5 lbs.  We are now on our weekly OB appts each Friday.  Last week Monika's head was down, and I was 50% effaced. So things are moving along. 

However, last night I was thinking, why does this week feel weird to me?  What is with the dates, why do they feel significant, have I missed someones birthday?  Then I figured it out.

This Friday May 24 is exactly one year after finding out about our 3rd failed IVF. Todd was in Israel so we listened to the message on our house phone together through facetime on our phones.  It was awful.  It was 11pm my time on a Thursday night and 6am his time the next day.  We were so overwhelmed, so disappointed, so sad.  We just sobbed on the phone with each other, wanting so badly to give each other huge hugs, but couldn't. I've never wanted to give Todd a hug so badly in all of my life.

So Monika Trogdon came over for me at 12:30am to be with me, to cry with me, to hold me when I couldn't hardly breath or think of what in the world I would do next.  Todd had his dear friend Griff to cry with him in Israel and be the empathic, loving, compassionate friend that he is, Thank the Lord for him. 

I was just reading in my journal about what I wrote after the BFN (big freaking negative) results.  Here it is:

"Despair, disappointment, shock, fear, deep sadness.  There aren't words to describe, but I'll try.  
In the Spring a bird started making/building a nest in the wreath on our front door.  She (the momma bird) was very busy preparing the nest, she laid her eggs and sat on them for days, then one day she was gone and so were the eggs-where did they go? Did they die? Did some animal eat them?
I feel like that, ready, nest, all prepared, eggs were there for days, then NOTHING.  Who knows what happened, what went wrong? All we know is there is a nest and it's really nice & warm, and that there were eggs (embryos) and then bam- nothing. I'm at a loss.  I'm sad, frustrated, and feeling very overwhelmed and tired.  I want my babies in my uterus and to stay there and grow until it's time to be born."

Well here we are one year later and I am full term with our beautiful baby girl, Monika Marie.

What a difference a Year Makes.

If you were to tell me this last year, I would have never, ever believed you.  Hope is the function of struggle says Brene Brown.  And I couldn't agree more.  I had hope then (it was mostly carried hope from friends) and I have hope now.  To my IF friends, keep hoping even when it hurts and doesn't make sense.  Death will never have the last word.  Love does.  Love always wins.

Here is a song that my beloved friend Megan Pardue wrote for us out of her shared pain after our failed IVFs.  It is one of the kindest and most compassionate things anyone has ever done for me.  Megan is so gifted in being able to feel and articulate exactly how it feels to struggle with infertility.  Megan you are my shero.  Thank you. I love you. 

This song has been so healing for me to listen to it, over and over again.  It's called Sing Hannah Sing.  I think this gift will keep helping and healing women for years to come.  I hope it will help you too.

Great Mothers

This is my mom, Anita Martinson.
She's awesome.  I would like to be an amazing momma like her one day.  I'm hoping that some of her love, generosity, empathy, peace, forgiveness, patience, and giving spirit has rubbed off on me over the last 32 years.  And that it will then rub off onto Monika Marie.  I can only hope to be half the mother that my mom was to me.  I am seriously blessed to have her in my life.

Here we are after church (I went to church on Mothers Day for the first time in 6 years), it was special to be there with mom & of course Monika in-utero kicking away during the service.

Today I am thankful for her.  Everyday actually, but this past weekend, my mom wanted to give me the gift of landscaping for mothers day, since the house we bought has none, zero, zilch. She flew in late Friday night (so Todd & I could still have his day off together--and he planned a whole day of mothers day love for me) and flew out Sunday night. She worked her tail off in the yard all day Saturday and wouldn't let me help.  And now our yard looks great.  

Mom & I in front of her hard work & act of love--Hydrangea, Foxglove, Rhododendron, & Azaleas

I sometimes feel guilty for having an amazing mom since so many of my friends had not-so-nice mommas (and that is putting it very nicely), and that just isn't fair.  I'm astounded that my friends turned out as amazing as they did despite the lack of maternal care, love, empathy, and compassion shown to them by their moms.  So instead of feeling guilty, I am turning it into gratitude.  I am so thankful to have a great mother.  I didn't do anything to deserve it, but I am thankful. 

Todd & I celebrating our first HAPPY mothers day.

I wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who sent so much love my way on mothers day with texts, emails, calls, cards, gifts, and just sharing pure joy with us this holiday, it all meant so much to me.   Thank you all.

Here we are Tuesday, May 14, 2013 at 36 weeks, Monika is the size of a crenshaw melon (again whatever that is, another fruit I haven't eaten or heard of), 6lbs and about 18.5 inches long. 

Today we did our pre-registration at the hospital, which is pretty bizarro, that the next time we will be there we will be in labor!

Sad Mother's Day or is it Happy Mother's Day?

Well the past 5 mother's day's, I was without child though, I wanted to be with.  I wanted to be a mom, more than anything else.  I actually did more to become a mom, than anyone I had ever met before.  But I wasn't.  Those days were- sad mothers days.  Very sad.

For many women who have great mom's that are alive and who get pregnant when they want to, don't think twice about this day.  Well, sadly this day can be and is the hardest day of the year for millions of women.  I was one of them since 2008, this is my first really "happy" mother's day.  The last 5 were very sad, some times it was hard to breathe or not loose it in Target with all of the advertisements around you reminding you again, that yup--you're still not a mom.   Or not loose it when the clerk asks you---"Are you a mom?" my response "no" then they say nothing, because I don't get wished a Happy mothers day since I'm not one, gee thanks for reminding me. Again.

This year, I'm living in the tension of celebrating the joy of our daughter coming in 5ish weeks and not being depressed with this upcoming holiday, however, I still feel the sadness with my sisters who are in the trenches, still.  This is Sad Mothers Day for them, and I absolutely hate it for them.  My dear friends, if you are reading this, I am with you.  I am thinking of you and holding you close to my heart today.  I'm praying you keep hoping even when it's hard to. And I pray that you have amazing people in your lives that can be the hands of Jesus to you on May 12 and show you that you are loved more than you can possibly imagine even though you don't have a child that calls you mom this day.

My dear friends in Durham, NC and actually across the county were exactly that to me. They all knew I dreaded this day and didn't want to get out of bed.  So what did they do?  So many things, it's hard to list.  For starters I got many cards & calls each year reminding me that I am a mother and this holiday is for me too.  And that I was not forgotten (which I believe is a great deception-for we are never alone).  Monika Trogdon made me a card saying "Mother's Day is for all Mothers--- past, present, and future."  This year her card looks like this . . .

Other friends skipped church (so they could be with me b/c going to church was WAY too hard) and took me to Local Yogurt---thank you Dana Iglesias & Jackie Furry.  Rachel Nafis wrote me a letter saying "happy Mentors Day"---that I was one of the most influential people in her life and she considers me her mentor and she was celebrating me today along with her mom.  Rachel, that letter made me ball and I still have it, and it meant so much to me that you were looking outside of the biological mother-box and found me there in your life.  Richelle Hollingshead of course hand made me a card and sent me an article about us all being mothers---because when we love, nurture, show compassion and mercy to children and others, then we are being mothers.  That article was so helpful for me to slowly claim that though my uterus wasn't working right, I still was a mom.  Our friend Pastor Dana Preusch interviewed me for a sermon she was writing about those who ache to be a mother and suffer from infertility.  Her sermon was beautiful and her addressing IF when most churches don't was so encouraging.  Sally Whitaker bringing me a calla lily & trying to send it to my work, but we flew out to Chicago for a funeral, so you brought it later to our house--I planted it and it is still in my Durham yard :-( I could go on and on with the acts of kindness shown to me. 

*So what can you do today for those suffering on this mothers day?  Start by acknowledging it.  Tell them you are thinking of them.  Wish them a happy mothers day.  Tell them you are sad WITH them.  Take them out somewhere special and just listen to how it feels for them.  The point is do something, say something, if you don't they have no idea that you care, even if you do.  I am so proud of you for being vulnerable and speaking out against something that is so raw and difficult.  Thank you for doing it, it means the world for those of us who struggle.  I simply could not have carried on without the amazing friends in my life who showed compassion & mercy to me*

I also today, think of my dear friends who aren't "technically" struggling with IF, but are not partnered, so they aren't actively trying to get pregnant, but have wanted to be a mom as long as I have.  This day is hard for them too.  It hurts.  They want to be married and have children, but haven't found the first piece of the puzzle.  I grieve with you too.  This is so hard for you and you are not forgotten either on this sad mothers day. 

Well in the midst of the move(s) I thought I lost Monika's first picture ever taken at 3 days after fertilization on September 22, 2012, but this week I found it!  Yeah!  Here it is.

It's a little sad, because their are 2 embryos in this picture, one day I'll have to explain to her, that her sibling didn't make it, and technically I don't know which one is Monika's embryo.  But I think it's pretty cool that we have a picture of our daughter at 3 days along.

This week I was reminded of this with a few songs we sang at church-- "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of dust, you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."  I really feel that out of almost nothing-- (Todd's sperm and my egg) came this picture--this embryo, this baby in my uterus and in that I became more whole, changed, renewed, beautiful, and compassionate on the inside.  Lots of change.

Another song we sang, totally got to me this past weekend at church is called Bring Restoration:
"You took my mourning and turned it into dancing. You took my weeping and turned it into laughing.  You took my sadness and turned it into Joy. "  
This could not be more true today in my life. I feel like all of the weeping we endured has turned into joy, laughter, and dancing.  What a gift.  Joy and sorrow are an inch apart.  Because we allowed our selves to feel so much sorrow (we didn't ignore it, avoid, stuff, etc but tolerated it & felt it), now it's turned into such joy. 

Well here we are at 35 weeks today, May 7, 2013, Monika Marie weighs as much as a Honeydew Mellon which is about 5.25 lbs and 18 inches long.

Monika's nursery

Oh the joy of nesting.  I never thought I'd get to nest. Have a nursery. Any of it. 

And here we are with a finished nursery.  It's simply such a gift.  Everyday I am filled with gratitude.  Whenever I have some extra moments (sometimes in the middle of the night when I've have to go-again, I detour to her room), you'll find me in the nursery, looking at all of Monika's books from so many people who love her, or just sitting in the rocking chair-taking it all in and thanking God for this gift of new life. Here are some pictures of what her new place outside of my uterus will look like.

entering Monika's nursery from the hallway

Monika's 2 closets & changing table in the middle of them with storage containers below for diapers- the sign above is from the Maberry shower-thank you Nicole, the circles hanging on the door handle are from our Durham shower :-) thank you Megan

rocking chair--that was in my nursery :-) book ledges, crib, and wall decals

crib-thank you Martinson parents, many baskets filled with more books, toys, and stuffed animals and of course Marlon's floor teddy bear

book ledges- thank you Ikea & Angie for the idea, so one day Monika can walk up & pick out her books

dresser-thank you Maberry parents, Stevie drawing & Ali's sister's drawing called "worth the wait"

Here we are Tuesday April 30, 2013, at 34 weeks pregnant, Monika is the weight of a cantaloupe 4.75lbs and about 18 inches long.

I'm in shorts & a tank for the first time in KCMO, thank you it was 80 today, but Thursday don't you worry it will be 35 again. I *love living back in the Midwest. *sarcasm

 

 

Last night we had our 5th and last birthing class at the hospital we are delivering.  This is a picture of Todd from last week with the sympathy belly on . . .

trying to do normal tasks like fold laundry

belly to belly

Only a few more weeks, this is crazy.  We are so excited. We are so looking forward to meeting Monika Marie Maberry!