Sad Mother's Day or is it Happy Mother's Day?

Well the past 5 mother's day's, I was without child though, I wanted to be with.  I wanted to be a mom, more than anything else.  I actually did more to become a mom, than anyone I had ever met before.  But I wasn't.  Those days were- sad mothers days.  Very sad.

For many women who have great mom's that are alive and who get pregnant when they want to, don't think twice about this day.  Well, sadly this day can be and is the hardest day of the year for millions of women.  I was one of them since 2008, this is my first really "happy" mother's day.  The last 5 were very sad, some times it was hard to breathe or not loose it in Target with all of the advertisements around you reminding you again, that yup--you're still not a mom.   Or not loose it when the clerk asks you---"Are you a mom?" my response "no" then they say nothing, because I don't get wished a Happy mothers day since I'm not one, gee thanks for reminding me. Again.

This year, I'm living in the tension of celebrating the joy of our daughter coming in 5ish weeks and not being depressed with this upcoming holiday, however, I still feel the sadness with my sisters who are in the trenches, still.  This is Sad Mothers Day for them, and I absolutely hate it for them.  My dear friends, if you are reading this, I am with you.  I am thinking of you and holding you close to my heart today.  I'm praying you keep hoping even when it's hard to. And I pray that you have amazing people in your lives that can be the hands of Jesus to you on May 12 and show you that you are loved more than you can possibly imagine even though you don't have a child that calls you mom this day.

My dear friends in Durham, NC and actually across the county were exactly that to me. They all knew I dreaded this day and didn't want to get out of bed.  So what did they do?  So many things, it's hard to list.  For starters I got many cards & calls each year reminding me that I am a mother and this holiday is for me too.  And that I was not forgotten (which I believe is a great deception-for we are never alone).  Monika Trogdon made me a card saying "Mother's Day is for all Mothers--- past, present, and future."  This year her card looks like this . . .

Other friends skipped church (so they could be with me b/c going to church was WAY too hard) and took me to Local Yogurt---thank you Dana Iglesias & Jackie Furry.  Rachel Nafis wrote me a letter saying "happy Mentors Day"---that I was one of the most influential people in her life and she considers me her mentor and she was celebrating me today along with her mom.  Rachel, that letter made me ball and I still have it, and it meant so much to me that you were looking outside of the biological mother-box and found me there in your life.  Richelle Hollingshead of course hand made me a card and sent me an article about us all being mothers---because when we love, nurture, show compassion and mercy to children and others, then we are being mothers.  That article was so helpful for me to slowly claim that though my uterus wasn't working right, I still was a mom.  Our friend Pastor Dana Preusch interviewed me for a sermon she was writing about those who ache to be a mother and suffer from infertility.  Her sermon was beautiful and her addressing IF when most churches don't was so encouraging.  Sally Whitaker bringing me a calla lily & trying to send it to my work, but we flew out to Chicago for a funeral, so you brought it later to our house--I planted it and it is still in my Durham yard :-( I could go on and on with the acts of kindness shown to me. 

*So what can you do today for those suffering on this mothers day?  Start by acknowledging it.  Tell them you are thinking of them.  Wish them a happy mothers day.  Tell them you are sad WITH them.  Take them out somewhere special and just listen to how it feels for them.  The point is do something, say something, if you don't they have no idea that you care, even if you do.  I am so proud of you for being vulnerable and speaking out against something that is so raw and difficult.  Thank you for doing it, it means the world for those of us who struggle.  I simply could not have carried on without the amazing friends in my life who showed compassion & mercy to me*

I also today, think of my dear friends who aren't "technically" struggling with IF, but are not partnered, so they aren't actively trying to get pregnant, but have wanted to be a mom as long as I have.  This day is hard for them too.  It hurts.  They want to be married and have children, but haven't found the first piece of the puzzle.  I grieve with you too.  This is so hard for you and you are not forgotten either on this sad mothers day. 

Well in the midst of the move(s) I thought I lost Monika's first picture ever taken at 3 days after fertilization on September 22, 2012, but this week I found it!  Yeah!  Here it is.

It's a little sad, because their are 2 embryos in this picture, one day I'll have to explain to her, that her sibling didn't make it, and technically I don't know which one is Monika's embryo.  But I think it's pretty cool that we have a picture of our daughter at 3 days along.

This week I was reminded of this with a few songs we sang at church-- "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of dust, you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."  I really feel that out of almost nothing-- (Todd's sperm and my egg) came this picture--this embryo, this baby in my uterus and in that I became more whole, changed, renewed, beautiful, and compassionate on the inside.  Lots of change.

Another song we sang, totally got to me this past weekend at church is called Bring Restoration:
"You took my mourning and turned it into dancing. You took my weeping and turned it into laughing.  You took my sadness and turned it into Joy. "  
This could not be more true today in my life. I feel like all of the weeping we endured has turned into joy, laughter, and dancing.  What a gift.  Joy and sorrow are an inch apart.  Because we allowed our selves to feel so much sorrow (we didn't ignore it, avoid, stuff, etc but tolerated it & felt it), now it's turned into such joy. 

Well here we are at 35 weeks today, May 7, 2013, Monika Marie weighs as much as a Honeydew Mellon which is about 5.25 lbs and 18 inches long.