Infertility Changes You

I was talking with my dear friend Monika and I told her it's like at least 5-10 times a day that something happens where I'm reminded that "oh my goodness, I'm pregnant, is this really happening?  pinch pinch"  Infertility Changes you forever.

So I am walking through the Kohl's kitchen section looking for an oven mitt and other things for our new home, and bam this is what I see . . .

right there in the normal kitchen section, not in kids section, but next to pots & pans.  And I almost lost it right there in the aisle.  A kid plate.  A super cute kid plate.  And for the first time I can remember, I was so excited about it and thought, awe Monika Marie would love a plate like that to eat off for meals.  Whereas a year ago, I would have gotten so sad, and would have left the store thinking there were no safe zones for infertiles to shop anymore.  It would have made me grieve even more for this child that we want so badly but can't seem to have.  But now, I'm full of joy and excitement.  Nothing changed in Kohls, but something majorly changed in my uterus to make me feel so differently about this encounter.

So as I'm walking away fighting tears, I walk past the maternity section which is right next to the baby/kid clothes section---and I enter.  Why? Because I can now.  It feels crazy weird to enter and not be so sad that I don't fit in.  I enter because I want to embrace all of it, all of the joy, and look at all of the cute baby clothes that I simply couldn't bare to look at before.  All of the places, sections, people, and holidays that I avoided because the pain was to great to bare.  And then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see my baby belly and now the tears are falling.  I can't stop them now. Because it's true, I am pregnant.  It wasn't a dream.  Infertility was a long drawn out nightmare.  But being pregnant is a dream come true.  I can see this plate, look at babies clothes and not be thrust into the depths of despair afterwards.

I also started pre-natal yoga class 2 weeks ago, my friend Megan Pardue's friend Joy is an instructor at this yoga studio, so she told me about it.  And I love it.  But my first class was surreal again because here I am in a room with 25 other pregnant women--talking about their babies, due dates, and how far along they are----and I'm like "do I belong here? am I in the wrong yoga class? am I really pregnant?" Because a year ago, I would have steared so far away from this place and totally been so envious that they were pregnant and I just couldn't be.  So I looked down at my tummy and took a deep breath and thought, yes, Laura you belong now.  I was filled with gratitude.  And JOY.

These are just a few examples of how my life is so different because of infertility.  I think differently, see things differently, and love being pregnant so much.  Because any pregnant symtom is so much better than the pain and anguish (not to mention shots, surgeries, appts, and meds + side effects) of infertility.  

So here we are 27 weeks on Tuesday March 12, at 7 months pregnant.  Monika is the size of a head of cauliflower, 2lbs, and 14.5 inches long. 

And here are some more house pictures.

Front of our house

Living Room

Kitchen

Laundry Room--it's behind closed doors in the Kitchen

 Oh and Tony, Angie, Steve, and Mariem came to visit this weekend and here are some pictures from the fun we had. 

Mariem with her train conductor hat on

Stevie with his train conductor hat on at the restaurant

Mariem with her mushy face, GOSH isn't she the cutest?

 That's it for now.